3 steps to avoid taking on other people’s drama

As adults we often find ourselves dealing with friends, family or colleagues who are experiencing big feelings, emotions, or dramas.  It can be hard to know how to show up and support them, without taking on the burden of their drama as your own.  In supporting clients on how to approach this challenge I refer to one of the best tools I learnt during my parenting journey – emotion coaching.  This technique is based on the work of Dr John Gottman and is a useful way to help your children learn to understand and regulate their emotions.  It is a technique designed to validate your children’s feelings, to help them name their feelings and to be able to sit with uncomfortable feelings.  (Gottman Institute)

As a therapist I have supported my clients to understand that the principals of emotion coaching can be used by to navigate many relationships, whether with their offspring (small or grown), friends, colleagues or acquaintances.  A simple three step approach to support your friends without taking on their feelings is set out below.

3 steps to avoid taking on other people’s drama (with a bonus optional 4th step!)

1.  Be curious

The first step in managing these emotional interactions as an adult is to use curiosity rather than ‘telling’.  This means that instead of telling your friend that you can see that they are angry, you ask them if they are feeling angry.  A great phrase for this is  ‘I wonder if you are feeling……(insert the feeling you are observing.)  By asking them in a curious way you are showing them that you are open to their answer, that you might not be correct, and that you care about them.

2.  Validate

Once the other person has defined how they are feeling, the next step is validation.  “ I can see how hard that must be”, “ that sounds tough’, or “those are difficult feelings to have”.  Validation is about seeing the person’s experience.  You aren’t agreeing with it, you aren’t judging it, you are just seeing it for what it is.

3.  Let them sit with their feelings

And the final step can feel like you are doing nothing.  It is the step where you let them sit with their feelings, offering your supportive presence, but not offering to solve the problem, carry the burden, or fix everything for them.  (A good neutral sympathetic humming noise can be a great filler here.)  This gives the person time to understand that you have heard them, and you understand their problem, and can see the effect it is having on them.  Often this is enough to help the other person.  When we step in to solve the problem we can take away their agency to solve the problem themselves.

4.  Optional fourth step – ask what they need from you to help solve the problem.

If you feel that the person still needs more from you, then asking them what they need from you to help them, rather than telling them what you will do to solve the problem leaves them responsible for their feelings, but knowing that you are there to support them if possible.

Give this approach a try, and see how it feels and what the impact is.  It might take a bit of practice to change from offering a solution straight away, but with time you can make this your default response and still maintain your connections with friends without carrying their burden on top of your own.  Let me know how it works for you!