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The Impact of Language and Why We ‘Shouldn’t’.
I am sure that you have heard or read that ‘how we speak to yourself matters’ and, if you know me at all, have heard or read me saying ‘be kind to yourself’. It is more than a platitude. Many of my clients speak to themselves in ways that they would never speak to a friend, a family member, or even an acquaintance. They are harsher critics of themselves than they are of anyone else, and often quite unfairly.
The language we use impacts us, and the people we speak to. This in turn impacts our mental health. My current top word for clients to be aware of and remove from their vocabulary when possible is ‘should’. When you use should, how does it make you feel? ‘I should go for a run’ carries a weight of expectation and guilt, when compared to ‘I could go for a run’ which leaves the possibility open, but without expectation. If you say ‘should’ and don’t go for the run, there is a sense of having let yourself down, whereas ‘could’ that isn’t followed by a run involves a decision and a choice. The ‘shoulds’ have emotion while the ‘coulds’ have choices.
When we say ‘should’ to others there is a weight to our words too. ‘You should make the dish that everyone is talking about’ feels different from ‘You could make the dish that everyone is talking about.’ The first sentence is telling them what they should do in your opinion, the second sentence is giving them a choice. Telling people what to do can result in them being defensive, while giving them a choice allows them to make their own decision and removes judgement from the exchange.
The language you use impacts how you see yourself and how you judge yourself, and how realistic or fair that process is. If you are telling yourself that you ‘should’ be doing things that you are not likely to do, whether it is because you don’t want to, it isn’t a priority, you don’t have time, you want to do something else, you don’t have the skills, the money etc, you are setting up your brain to feel ‘less than’. When you speak to yourself this way you are setting the filters in your brain to look at what you aren’t doing, rather than what you are doing. Our wonderful brains are wired to look for evidence to support our filters. If we say that we are not good at technical things our brain will look for the evidence to support that and we will believe that we aren’t good at technical things – ignoring the times that we have been good at them, and the end result is that we won’t want to try new technical things. If we say that we are good at finding solutions, our brain will look for evidence to support that – and we will continue to feel good about what we do well, ignoring the times when we didn’t find a solution, and continuing to be willing to try to solve problems.
By changing ‘shoulds’ to ‘coulds’ you start the process of changing your internal filters, and allowing yourself to be more decisive. A ‘could’ allows you to set yourself up achieve the things that you want to do, weighing up the pros and cons. It allows you to quieten that inner critical voice that contributes to feelings of anxiety, stress, depression and overwhelm, and can improve your mental health.
Does Anxiety give us magical powers?
A client recently commented that she was reluctant to talk about the good things that could happen as it could ‘jinx it’. My response to her was ‘Wow – let’s talk about your magical powers! If you can stop something good happening by talking about it, can you make something good happen by talking about it too? Or are your magical powers only limited to stopping the good stuff in life?’
She of course laughed and said that she doesn’t have magical powers but understood the point that I was making. If what we say and don’t say could impact our future negatively, why can’t it also impact our future positively? The reality is that when we have a well-trodden anxiety response we look at the future through the lens of all the things that can go wrong, and we forget to also look for the things that can go well. When we are looking for the things that can go wrong, we subconsciously look for evidence to support our expectation. When we expect things to go badly we see the missed parking spot as a sign that we don’t deserve good things, or the rainy day as a sign that the universe is against us. We see a person walking slowly in front of us as deliberately trying to make us late, and the neighbours playing loud music as them trying to stop us from enjoying our TV show.
If we look for the good in each day and reframe our thoughts, we start to look for the evidence to support the expectation that good things happen. The missed parking spot becomes a chance to find another spot that is closer to where we are going, the rain is an excuse to break out our favourite umbrella or be grateful for the garden being watered. The person walking slowly is a chance to smile at them as we walk past, or to be grateful that we are healthy enough to walk faster than them. The loud music next door can be an excuse for a dance party in the kitchen, or to knock on the neighbour’s door to have a chat. Saying that ‘good things will happen today’ can change our whole demeanour so that we are looking for good things to support our statement.
Using our magical powers for good and setting ourselves up to find the moments of joy in each day is a powerful way to reframe our thinking and improve our mental health. How can you reframe your day today?
3 Steps to Interrupt Anxiety
Interrupting Anxiety: 3 Simple Steps to Change Your Response
Anxiety can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By learning to interrupt the anxious process and changing your response, you can regain a sense of control and calm. In this post, we’ll explore three simple yet effective steps you can take to shift your perspective and manage anxiety.
Step 1: Look Up
When anxiety strikes, it’s common to feel trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts and worries. One way to break free from this cycle is by changing the ‘how’ that you are using to generate that anxious feeling. Simply looking up can help shift your response from the overthinking and create space for a different response.
Try this:
- When you notice feelings of anxiety creeping in, take a moment to lift your gaze upward.
- Focus on something above eye level, whether it’s the sky, a tree, or a ceiling.
- Notice how this simple act of looking up helps to expand your field of vision and brings a sense of openness and perspective.
By looking up, you’re signaling to your brain that it’s time to break free from the patterns of anxious thinking and see what else is possible.
Step 2: Drop Your Shoulders
Anxiety responses often manifest physically, leading to tension and tightness in the body. Dropping your shoulders is a simple yet effective way to release some of this tension and change the pattern of anxiety.
Here’s how to do it:
- Take a deep breath in, allowing your shoulders to rise towards your ears.
- As you exhale, consciously relax your shoulders, letting them drop down away from your ears.
- Repeat this process several times, focusing on the sensation of tension melting away with each breath.
By dropping your shoulders, you’re sending a signal to your body that it’s safe to relax and let go of the physical manifestations of anxiety.
Step 3: Wiggle your toes
When we have an anxious response, we follow a pattern we have learned over many years. Creating interruptions to that pattern sends signals to our brain that we can respond in a different way. Moving a part of our body that isn’t usually part of the pattern of response can interrupt this pattern and promote a sense of calm and ease.
Try the following:
- Take a moment to breathe in, then as you breathe out, wiggle your toes, one at a time.
- Consciously wiggle each toe, focusing on moving it back and forth, independently of the other toes.
- As you work your way through each toe on each foot, notice where your thoughts are going.
By wiggling your toes, you’re encouraging your body to shift out of the pattern you associate with anxiety and towards a more relaxed and balanced state. By focusing on each toe individually you are interrupting the repetitive nature of your thoughts, and clearing your mind to create space for a different response.
Managing anxiety doesn’t have to be complicated. By incorporating these three simple steps into your routine – looking up, dropping your shoulders, and wiggling your toes – you can interrupt your anxiety pattern and change your response to stressors. Small changes can have a big impact, and with practice, you can change your patterns of response and work to create new, and more helpful, patterns.
