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3 steps to avoid taking on other people’s drama
As adults we often find ourselves dealing with friends, family or colleagues who are experiencing big feelings, emotions, or dramas. It can be hard to know how to show up and support them, without taking on the burden of their drama as your own. In supporting clients on how to approach this challenge I refer to one of the best tools I learnt during my parenting journey – emotion coaching. This technique is based on the work of Dr John Gottman and is a useful way to help your children learn to understand and regulate their emotions. It is a technique designed to validate your children’s feelings, to help them name their feelings and to be able to sit with uncomfortable feelings. (Gottman Institute)
As a therapist I have supported my clients to understand that the principals of emotion coaching can be used by to navigate many relationships, whether with their offspring (small or grown), friends, colleagues or acquaintances. A simple three step approach to support your friends without taking on their feelings is set out below.
3 steps to avoid taking on other people’s drama (with a bonus optional 4th step!)
1. Be curious
The first step in managing these emotional interactions as an adult is to use curiosity rather than ‘telling’. This means that instead of telling your friend that you can see that they are angry, you ask them if they are feeling angry. A great phrase for this is ‘I wonder if you are feeling……(insert the feeling you are observing.) By asking them in a curious way you are showing them that you are open to their answer, that you might not be correct, and that you care about them.
2. Validate
Once the other person has defined how they are feeling, the next step is validation. “ I can see how hard that must be”, “ that sounds tough’, or “those are difficult feelings to have”. Validation is about seeing the person’s experience. You aren’t agreeing with it, you aren’t judging it, you are just seeing it for what it is.
3. Let them sit with their feelings
And the final step can feel like you are doing nothing. It is the step where you let them sit with their feelings, offering your supportive presence, but not offering to solve the problem, carry the burden, or fix everything for them. (A good neutral sympathetic humming noise can be a great filler here.) This gives the person time to understand that you have heard them, and you understand their problem, and can see the effect it is having on them. Often this is enough to help the other person. When we step in to solve the problem we can take away their agency to solve the problem themselves.
4. Optional fourth step – ask what they need from you to help solve the problem.
If you feel that the person still needs more from you, then asking them what they need from you to help them, rather than telling them what you will do to solve the problem leaves them responsible for their feelings, but knowing that you are there to support them if possible.
Give this approach a try, and see how it feels and what the impact is. It might take a bit of practice to change from offering a solution straight away, but with time you can make this your default response and still maintain your connections with friends without carrying their burden on top of your own. Let me know how it works for you!
3 Steps to Interrupt Anxiety
Interrupting Anxiety: 3 Simple Steps to Change Your Response
Anxiety can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By learning to interrupt the anxious process and changing your response, you can regain a sense of control and calm. In this post, we’ll explore three simple yet effective steps you can take to shift your perspective and manage anxiety.
Step 1: Look Up
When anxiety strikes, it’s common to feel trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts and worries. One way to break free from this cycle is by changing the ‘how’ that you are using to generate that anxious feeling. Simply looking up can help shift your response from the overthinking and create space for a different response.
Try this:
- When you notice feelings of anxiety creeping in, take a moment to lift your gaze upward.
- Focus on something above eye level, whether it’s the sky, a tree, or a ceiling.
- Notice how this simple act of looking up helps to expand your field of vision and brings a sense of openness and perspective.
By looking up, you’re signaling to your brain that it’s time to break free from the patterns of anxious thinking and see what else is possible.
Step 2: Drop Your Shoulders
Anxiety responses often manifest physically, leading to tension and tightness in the body. Dropping your shoulders is a simple yet effective way to release some of this tension and change the pattern of anxiety.
Here’s how to do it:
- Take a deep breath in, allowing your shoulders to rise towards your ears.
- As you exhale, consciously relax your shoulders, letting them drop down away from your ears.
- Repeat this process several times, focusing on the sensation of tension melting away with each breath.
By dropping your shoulders, you’re sending a signal to your body that it’s safe to relax and let go of the physical manifestations of anxiety.
Step 3: Wiggle your toes
When we have an anxious response, we follow a pattern we have learned over many years. Creating interruptions to that pattern sends signals to our brain that we can respond in a different way. Moving a part of our body that isn’t usually part of the pattern of response can interrupt this pattern and promote a sense of calm and ease.
Try the following:
- Take a moment to breathe in, then as you breathe out, wiggle your toes, one at a time.
- Consciously wiggle each toe, focusing on moving it back and forth, independently of the other toes.
- As you work your way through each toe on each foot, notice where your thoughts are going.
By wiggling your toes, you’re encouraging your body to shift out of the pattern you associate with anxiety and towards a more relaxed and balanced state. By focusing on each toe individually you are interrupting the repetitive nature of your thoughts, and clearing your mind to create space for a different response.
Managing anxiety doesn’t have to be complicated. By incorporating these three simple steps into your routine – looking up, dropping your shoulders, and wiggling your toes – you can interrupt your anxiety pattern and change your response to stressors. Small changes can have a big impact, and with practice, you can change your patterns of response and work to create new, and more helpful, patterns.
