Stop Overthinking by Asking for What You Need

If you are an overthinker then you are familiar with having thoughts whirl around your head as you work through all the ‘what ifs’, including many that are almost completely impossible, and none of which are good outcomes, because you don’t spend your time creating positive scenarios do you?

This makes you spiral as you imagine outcomes that are worse than anything that could actually happen, and means that you are in a state of anxiety about things that you have created in your own mind.  The good news is that you can stop this pattern with a simple step.  Identify what you need and ask for it.  And you can, can you not? I will illustrate what I mean with an example.

A friend of mine noticed that her partner was quite distracted and wasn’t making plans to do anything together with her as they discussed what events they had coming up over the next few weeks.  In her overthinking mind she started to worry that he was not happy with their relationship, found spending time with her to be a chore, and wasn’t giving her priority in his life. This then spiralled into her thinking about what would happen when their relationship ended, whether she would feel able to meet other people with a view to a relationship with someone else, how she would tell their children, what their finances would look like, who would get the dog, etc.  Over the course of a few days she became more and more distressed as she thought about this scenario, and became more withdrawn from communication with him as she tried to protect herself from the pain of rejection.

Except that he hadn’t rejected her.  When we spoke about this I suggested that she think about what she needed – did she need more information, did she need a conversation, did she need a break?  At the heart of it she needed to know whether he was unhappy in their relationship.  After some encouragement she asked him.  And discovered that he was really happy with his relationship with her, was completely unaware of her thoughts and feelings that things were falling apart, and had been distracted because he was exhausted after finishing a big project at work.  He had taken her quietness as her understanding that he needed some down time to recover, and had been completely oblivious to her distress.  Sound familiar?  If she had asked for what she needed earlier in the process, she would have saved herself a lot of distress and worry, and understood what he needed and how it impacted her.  Her sleep would definitely have been better!

Sometimes what you need is not an answer from a person but a piece of information for a work project, or a decision from a business about a contract.  Recognizing that this is what is needed can be enough to stop the overthinking as it helps you to understand what is within your control and what is out of your control.  If you can’t make a decision about something until you have that piece of information, then no amount of rumination at 3am is going to change the outcome.

Next time you find yourself stuck in the overthinking loop, try asking yourself ‘what do I need’ as a pattern interrupter, and say it out loud to help you move forward.

3 Steps to Interrupt Anxiety

Interrupting Anxiety: 3 Simple Steps to Change Your Response

Anxiety can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By learning to interrupt the anxious process and changing your response, you can regain a sense of control and calm. In this post, we’ll explore three simple yet effective steps you can take to shift your perspective and manage anxiety.

Step 1: Look Up

When anxiety strikes, it’s common to feel trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts and worries. One way to break free from this cycle is by changing the ‘how’ that you are using to generate that anxious feeling. Simply looking up can help shift your response from the overthinking and create space for a different response.

Try this:

• When you notice feelings of anxiety creeping in, take a moment to lift your gaze upward.
• Focus on something above eye level, whether it’s the sky, a tree, or a ceiling.
• Notice how this simple act of looking up helps to expand your field of vision and brings a sense of openness and perspective.

By looking up, you’re signaling to your brain that it’s time to break free from the patterns of anxious thinking and see what else is possible.

Step 2: Drop Your Shoulders

Anxiety responses often manifest physically, leading to tension and tightness in the body. Dropping your shoulders is a simple yet effective way to release some of this tension and change the pattern of anxiety.

Here’s how to do it:

• Take a deep breath in, allowing your shoulders to rise towards your ears.
• As you exhale, consciously relax your shoulders, letting them drop down away from your ears.
• Repeat this process several times, focusing on the sensation of tension melting away with each breath.

By dropping your shoulders, you’re sending a signal to your body that it’s safe to relax and let go of the physical manifestations of anxiety.

Step 3: Wiggle your toes

When we have an anxious response, we follow a pattern we have learned over many years.  Creating interruptions to that pattern sends signals to our brain that we can respond in a different way.  Moving a part of our body that isn’t usually part of the pattern of response can interrupt this pattern and promote a sense of calm and ease.

Try the following:

• Take a moment to breathe in, then as you breathe out, wiggle your toes, one at a time.
• Consciously wiggle each toe, focusing on moving it back and forth, independently of the other toes.
• As you work your way through each toe on each foot, notice where your thoughts are going.

By wiggling your toes, you’re encouraging your body to shift out of the pattern you associate with anxiety and towards a more relaxed and balanced state. By focusing on each toe individually you are interrupting the repetitive nature of your thoughts, and clearing your mind to create space for a different response.

Managing anxiety doesn’t have to be complicated. By incorporating these three simple steps into your routine – looking up, dropping your shoulders, and wiggling your toes – you can interrupt your anxiety pattern and change your response to stressors. Small changes can have a big impact, and with practice, you can change your patterns of response and work to create new, and more helpful, patterns.