The Impact of Language and Why We ‘Shouldn’t’.

I am sure that you have heard or read that ‘how we speak to yourself matters’ and, if you know me at all, have heard or read me saying ‘be kind to yourself’.  It is more than a platitude.  Many of my clients speak to themselves in ways that they would never speak to a friend, a family member, or even an acquaintance.  They are harsher critics of themselves than they are of anyone else, and often quite unfairly.

The language we use impacts us, and the people we speak to.  This in turn impacts our mental health.  My current top word for clients to be aware of and remove from their vocabulary when possible is ‘should’.   When you use should, how does it make you feel?    ‘I should go for a run’ carries a weight of expectation and guilt, when compared to ‘I could go for a run’ which leaves the possibility open, but without expectation.   If you say ‘should’ and don’t go for the run, there is a sense of having let yourself down, whereas ‘could’ that isn’t followed by a run involves a decision and a choice.  The ‘shoulds’ have emotion while the ‘coulds’ have choices.

When we say ‘should’ to others there is a weight to our words too.  ‘You should make the dish that everyone is talking about’ feels different from ‘You could make the dish that everyone is talking about.’  The first sentence is telling them what they should do in your opinion, the second sentence is giving them a choice.  Telling people what to do can result in them being defensive, while giving them a choice allows them to make their own decision and removes judgement from the exchange.

The language you use impacts how you see yourself and how you judge yourself, and how realistic or fair that process is.  If you are telling yourself that you ‘should’ be doing things that you are not likely to do, whether it is because you don’t want to, it isn’t a priority, you don’t have time, you want to do something else, you don’t have the skills, the money etc, you are setting up your brain to feel ‘less than’.  When you speak to yourself this way you are setting the filters in your brain to look at what you aren’t doing, rather than what you are doing.  Our wonderful brains are wired to look for evidence to support our filters.  If we say that we are not good at technical things our brain will look for the evidence to support that and we will believe that we aren’t good at technical things – ignoring the times that we have been good at them, and the end result is that we  won’t want to try new technical things.  If we say that we are good at finding solutions, our brain will look for evidence to support that – and we will continue to feel good about what we do well, ignoring the times when we didn’t find a solution, and continuing to be willing to try to solve problems. 

By changing ‘shoulds’ to ‘coulds’ you start the process of changing your internal filters, and allowing yourself to be more decisive.  A ‘could’ allows you to set yourself up achieve the things that you want to do, weighing up the pros and cons.  It allows you to quieten that inner critical voice that contributes to feelings of anxiety, stress, depression and overwhelm, and can improve your mental health.